


Polly Does Identify Theft In Target

by EldriitchBones



Category: Hello From The Hallowoods (Podcast)
Genre: joke, the chaos continues, this is a running gag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:40:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EldriitchBones/pseuds/EldriitchBones
Summary: polly steals identities in pursuit of cheese and gets threatened
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Polly Does Identify Theft In Target

**Author's Note:**

> this is pure joke, it is objectively terrible on purpose

Polly wolly had to go to target to buy multiple cheeses for MORT who devoured cheese like he devoured many things with his large Robot body. And Polly had no more cheese to feed Yaretzi too. Things are needy and he didn’t like it. So he had to vroom to target to buy cheese because TARget was the only establishment that he hadn’t been kicked out of within the immediate vicinity by crying over poor fashion in the little stores that also sold grocerie items. 

Apollo, the fire shoot demon, did not like going for cheeses. It was stupid and money wasn’t growing on trees like it it was supposed to any more. He found that very annoying. He can’t drive. Polliander could not drive because as a demon he was not allowed, that was illegal in all of the world. That is a universally known little fact for you people that demons are not allowed cars or motorcycles or dogs or horses. You cant drive anything and Pollup thought that was very rude and insensitive of a squishy world.

So he had to pray to the people who weren’t listening upstairs in his mind spaces that they could let him teleport into the Target bathroom so he didn’t have to walk all the way there. Walking hurt his leggies and destroyed his fancy fancy suede slippers that had been a gift from someone for the Krampusnacht. 

He was not approved for the space-time acrobatics. He liked doing acrobatics. They were limbering adn made him look more pretentious. 

Polly shmolly dingle berry used the only other way to travel - chicken. It was not considered driving if it was a chicken. 

Target was big. This one in particular had a whole section for livestock (including live Night-Gaunts that roamed the aisles looking for lost children and that’s why all children have leash backpacks that come free with the birthing process. But if a kiddo got loose, well you better not look for them otherwise you might get lost too and Night-Gaunts can smell the lost on you.) 

Pickle snoozer knew how to not smell lost even though he was in that perpetual state because he had thought but not a lot of them were direction oriented. 

He tasted the air and found that there was a nasty man whose identity sounded appetizing. He laughed in his brain and it came out his mouth too oops that wasn’t supposed to happen. The man heard the little laugh and opened his own mouth but it wasn’t a laugh. Polymer clay ate the identity and was full. Tasty tasty identities were his favorite. But only the stolen ones. Offered identities or lost ones tasted too pitiful for his refined and exalted tastes. He liked being known for his excellent palette in every subject there was. Fish were gross. 

Apocalypse prince demon returned to the normal shopping, smiling to himself as he passed a wandering child who would be consumed by the voids of aisle 6 if she was caught accidentally looking for her guardian figure. Looking was not allowed and it drew more attention than a child of that size could ever want and dream of. 

But! Hey, that was on her and not him so he had to go find more cheese. Dairy was disgusting and warm. But MORTIMER loved the feeling of it oiling his little metal joints and POLand liked keeping his little pets happy so they could do more favors for him. 

There was a nice ambient light coming from the dairy section, a single point in the darkness that meant a door had beene open. Poliger stepped towards it and oh oh oh oh! There was a raven person. He thought the raven person was pretty, even thought here were so many birds that burned on them. He didn’t like birds anyway!  **But the beautiful bird person was grabbing the cheese and apolleeyawn wanted that cheese.** He began the foretold umbrella rains and spat little sparks at the bird person who did not leave. 

“My cheese! I wanted mozzarella and prmesana and bree and cheddar! Stop that you beautiful beautiful gorgeous being you! That is for my pets!”

“Piss off” the bird person teased and disappeared, going to the check out counter via shadow walking.

Papple looked sad and the single block of nasty nasty blue cheese that the bird person left. Maybe pretty people are bad. MAybe HE IS BAD? Pollers snatched the blue cheese that was actually a sickening shade of teal and threw it at the bird person’s head, knocking the other cheeses out of their arms. Pimp elongated his physical arms, looking scary even though he didnt like to because he liked being pretty not scary, and put his stiletto nails (they were black and had red undersides that he thought were so so neat) through the blocks of cheeses and began running with the noodle arms flopping behind him, reeling them back in with his hell powers. His fancy suede slippers did a little clk clk clk clk clk as he ran to the changing rooms that he hated because they housed the rejects of the fashion world even to those who had poor tastes. 

Pickle slammed the door shut, screaming that he wanted to check out as per custom. A nice girl showed up with a buzzcut who looked very tired and angry and with a threatening bat. 

“Cheese please” polly whispered, announcing that he not only needed the cheese, but that to get the cheese was in favor of the Target God (who, spelled backwards, was indeed a dog). 

“Steal it dude, it’s like 12 cents” she said, grabbing her bat to hit him

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM THE CHICKEN SPED OFF WITH POLLYERY ATTATCHED TO IT BACK TO THE LITTLE FOREST WHERE MORT HELD UP A LEAF. 

“CHEESES FOR MY CRACKING JOINTS” MORT YELLED 

Yaretzi was sad she didn’t get to eat devil for breakfast.

Polly (he liked the name because it reminded him he was sexy everytime someone said it) made a point to give the transport chicken to yaretzi who ate it whole unfortunately that was his best chicken and now he didnt have any more chickens. 

He had to go back to the Target to get a chicken away from Pit 3 where Barb was eating them. Nasty and gross. 


End file.
